Letter from a Birthmom

I'll give you just a little background on this blog first! This is a letter from a birthmother who placed a couple of years ago. She had a rough life and was on a downward spiral of destruction. Before she got pregnant she committed a crime that would warrant prison time. The sentence was held off do to a high risk pregnancy, but a few months after she had her little boy she went to prison. She has been there over a year and has over a year go to. I have been corresponding through mail with her the whole time, and send her bible studies often. I like to send her bible studies from Beth Moore. Beth has a background similar to this birthmom so I like for her to see that you CAN live a godly life. She has completed Beth Moore's Breaking Free study and she just started reading Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity book. This book really touched me and even while I read this book on my own I thought of this birthmom often. I knew that one day I had to get this for her. So I had it sent to her and she has been reading it. This is the letter I got from her last week:

Oh my where to even start? :) Thanks or the pictures and the blog. WOW is the main thing on my mind. Honesty time - When I first got the book I said to myself... "Self.. I am going to read it, but it really doesn't apply to me!" HA! Really... I said that :) Funny thing is I think I really meant it! Then I began to read... 2 chapters in and I'm seeing MYSELF on EVERY page and I'm SO not loving it! So of course I begin trying to rationalize, justify, and of course deny.  I get mad at the book, threatened to throw it away. My husband probably thinks I'm completely insane because I start writing all kinds of does this sound like me letters! Me? Insecure? This is ME we are talking about here!! I have made SOME progress I'm done with the rationalizing and denying. I have also gone back and reread, marked, and made notes all in it. I'm a little over 1/2 way done. I am a fast reader but have to keep going back to make myself be honest and really answer truthfully.  I got to the prayer yesterday and it has takin me 2 days to complete it. In tears I pray this, because I really really want this for me! The whole prayer is awesome, but oh Misty, page 172 second chapter - I KNOW she was talking specifically about me when she says, "Help me to resign my position as a game player and manipulator without resigning myself to a life of misuse!" I want that!! I am so tired of, "playing the game" of scheming and lying and I really want my life to be different when I come home.  I am determined to make it so. But that old me tells myself that if I'm not "playing the game" I will be the one getting played. Crazy how satan knows my weakness and uses it so well! I sometimes wonder why it can't be for me like I have heard so many people say, "when I hit bottom I prayed and God took the desire away". BS! I pray and I pray and I still struggle so much, so I begin to wonder am I just too bad or too far gone to really change? But I know that's the devil trying to make me think it's too late to change. So I ask you this... If I know this, why do I still think it? Not all the time, but enough to worry about! Ok friend I'm done tripping for today! I love the book, I hate the book, but it is so awesome!! Thanks again! 

     New subject... he (little boy) is SO big and he looks so happy and healthy! I look at him and think to myself that I may have messed up so much other stuff, but I did one thing right in choosing to give him to them (the adoptive couple). Honestly after being sober for this long, married to a stable "square" man I questioned myself if I knew then what I do now... I mean that I was going to get married and would be able to provide a home etc. Would I still have done it? Then I look at this picture and I know he is exactly where he was meant to be because God chose his parents way before he was ever formed in me! 

I love getting her letters because she has changed SOOOOOOOO much since I first met her! I love that I'm about to be there for women like this who just need SOMEONE to give them a chance, or maybe just another chance. Please join us in praying for this birthmom. She is trying so hard to over come A LOT. It's going to be a struggle when she gets out for sure. It's always good to get reassuring letters like this about the adoption as well. I'm so glad she has peace about it and feels this way! I believe in her so much and have confidence that she will do just fine!

Misty