This was written by our friend Patricia Dischler who is a birth mom, author, and advocate for adoption. She wrote the previous blog that we posted as well. This is a major goal and dream for us at Inheritance too. Not that EVERY girl in an unplanned pregnancy would place, but that EVERY girl that faces and unplanned pregnancy would be given the facts of everything going on. Get someone who parented a child at their age to come in and talk to them, get someone who placed for adoption at their age to talk to them, present them with more facts and less opinions and let her make the decision for herself. The facts ARE NOT being given to the majority of these girls I can promise you that. Most girls put more thought and research into getting a new phone than how to handle their unplanned pregnancy. This HAS to change. Please read the article below and please take her challenge at the end to get out there and offer your story. I would love to hear feed back on how you guys feel, and what changes you think need to happen for this dream to become a reality!
Misty
All goals start by dreaming. Dreaming of the world and what it would be like if something were different. Then taking those dreams, breaking them into steps for change, and making a plan to take those steps. So let’s start with the dreams!
My dreams for the world of adoption start with dreaming of a world where the children’s needs always come first. This is something that is easy to say, but is ambiguous in many ways so it’s not easy to do. As someone who was told this many times by counselors during my divorce, I fully understand how such a simple statement can be complicated. There are many circumstances where the immediate decision looks as though it’s in the best interest of the child, but the long term ramifications are not. And vice versa. Life is complicated, there are never simple answers when it comes to raising children. So let me be more specific with this dream. I dream that those considering their options in an unplanned pregnancy will consider their child’s long term needs, get all the facts, and let the big picture lead them to a decision, not the short term one.
This is my dream because I see all too often young girls making the choice to parent a child because the baby is cute, it’s sleeping a lot so can’t be too hard to handle, Grandma said she’ll do daycare while I go to school, and I get some money each month from social services too. I am not making generalizations about all young mothers, but because there are many who fit this description it’s worth discussing. This is a topic where I get tough and make a stand. While I am a major supporter of the individual journey and choice, I am also a major supporter of making choices based on facts. I also get very upset with those who hinder a girl’s decision making process by taking responsibility from her. Schools who offer daycare, Grandparents who give up being grandparents to raise grandchildren, and social systems that offer so many support programs that take on the responsibility of raising a child that a 5 year old could choose parenting. I apologize if my bluntness is shocking you, I typically keep this opinion to myself. But I have decided that if I really want to make a difference in the coming year in this field, then it’s time to make some noise and be heard.
I’ve spent some time on the blogs that discuss adoption and if you think I’m being harsh, you should visit them. There are all types of stereotypes and harsh accusations made on both sides of the adoption fence.
I am not making blanket statement here regarding whether or not a young mother should or should not parent a child. What I am saying is I have seen a gross lack of information being presented to these girls. My heart goes out to anyone that is facing a decision with only partial information to guide them.
Let me give you a specific example. In my hometown I know three girls that become pregnant in high school. There were more, but I know three of them. All three chose to parent their child. While I have spoken at a few classes at the school to share my story, for the most part the school doesn’t allow adoption presentations because they would feel forced to also allow abortion presentations. So they just don’t have anything. I have donated copies of my book, Because I Loved You, to the school and asked the counselors to recommend it. None of the 3 girls read my book. None of them ever spoke to an adoption counselor. None of them ever spoke to an adoptive parent or a birthmother. What they did get was the number of a social worker that could help them fill out the paperwork to receive assistance and money for food and clothing for the baby. They had grandparents that volunteered to do daycare. They had friends who told them when their boyfriends got jobs they would get child support. In other words, they were bombarded with people who were willing to take their responsibilities for them both financial and the physical care of the child. All they had to do was continue school like always, go home now and then to kiss the cute baby, and life would go on just fine.
For one girl, her parents let her move in and have taken care of everything. Five years later she and her boyfriend still live with the parents, both unemployed, and the parents have serious regrets and are ready to kick them out. For another, the boyfriend skipped town, Grandma quit doing daycare once she graduated high school, and she works full time at a grocery store just barely able to get by while her baby stays in an unlicensed daycare where the curriculum is a list of television shows on that day. For the last, the boyfriend married her, she graduated, and they both got jobs at a local factory. But 3 years later they divorced, and now he’s suing her for custody. She can’t afford to be on her own or pay the legal fees so she’s considering just giving up. Not a single girl had a 5 year plan, and it shows.
Now I fully realize that every young mother out there that chose to parent knows that life most certainly does change. It changes when Grandma can’t do daycare anymore, they graduated high school and can’t afford college, the boyfriend left town, and when the cute sleeping baby began walking and breaking everything they could get their hands on, like all toddlers will do. The problem is, no one told them this at the time of their decision. Again, back to my dream - if everyone facing a decision to parent or choose adoption had ALL the facts, could spend time considering ALL their options, and even talk with people who had chosen each possible path, THEN we’d be a little closer to eliminating regrets, a little closer to babies with bright futures, a little closer to girls who become women who can stand by their actions with pride and not spend a lifetime second guessing their decisions.
So, here’s where you come in. In order to make this dream come true what we need is information getting to those who need it. So if you are an adoptive parent or a birthmother, talk to the high school counselors in your area, let them know you’re there and you can talk with whoever needs someone. Volunteer to share your story in the classroom with any teacher that will let you. Talk with doctors in your area and offer the same. If you are a counselor, work with the schools to get them to open up to sharing information on adoption. Leave them your brochures, talk to a class, do whatever it takes. I’m not asking anyone to convince someone to choose adoption. I’m asking those convincing girls to parent to stop and for everyone to just share facts! Then let the girls decide what’s right for them.
You can’t make a good decision based on only half the facts. We don’t do it with unimportant decisions, why are we letting young girls do it with one of the most important decisions of their life? How would you feel if you decided to take a job in a new town you thought was great and when you arrived you found out that it was in the mountains and only 50 people lived in town? For some, this would be great! For others, you’d regret it for years. Knowing all the facts helps people make good choices they can live with.
My long term dream? A world without regrets.
Reprinted from KIDBIZ Newsletter, an ezine by child care author and speaker, Patricia Dischler. Subscribe at www.patriciadischler.com.
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